How to Figure Out What Matters To You in Midlife

Open your calendar and look at last week.

Not to judge it. Just to look.

How much of what's in there did you choose? And how much is there because it has always been there?

Most of us built our lives on decisions we made at 25 or 30. Where to live. What work to do. How to spend our money and our time. They were good decisions, made by a woman who knew what she knew then.

You've lived a lot of life since. You've learned things about yourself that you couldn't possibly have known back then.

So if you're wondering how to figure out what matters to you in midlife, here's the good news. You don't need a perfect list of values or a weekend away to think. You can start by paying attention.

Why what mattered at 25 may not matter in midlife

Think about what was steering you when you were younger.

Maybe it was security. A steady income, a good job, a home of your own.

Maybe it was achievement. You wanted to prove to yourself, and to anyone watching, that you could build the career and reach the goal.

Maybe it was being a good mom, and you set other opportunities down so you could be there for your kids.

None of that was wrong. Those choices came from what mattered to you, and how connected you were to it, at that point in your life.

But midlife gives you a different view. You know things now. Some of what you were sure would make you happy didn't matter as much as you expected. And some things you never thought to want have quietly become important.

Maybe you spent years working toward the next promotion, and now you want time to enjoy your life outside of work.

Maybe you spent decades making sure everyone else had what they needed, and you're starting to see that your own time counts too.

Maybe you've always valued stability, and lately something is pulling you toward change.

Or maybe nothing has changed at all. Family, friends and connection may have always been at the center of your life. What's different is how you want to experience them.

Sometimes our values change. Sometimes they stay the same, and the way we live them shifts.

Either way, it's easy to keep making decisions the way you always have. Not because you chose that. Just because it's familiar.

How often do you give yourself permission to reconsider? It's so much easier to keep going the way you've always gone.

Nothing about this asks you to blow up your life. It asks you to notice what matters now, and to let that count.

How to figure out what matters to you without a list

Honesty. Integrity. Family. Freedom. Connection. Adventure. Kindness.

They're all lovely words. And it's easy to get so focused on finding the right one that you forget to ask what it means to you.

Take freedom. For one woman, it means financial security, so she has choices. For another, it means more control over her time. For someone else it's being able to travel. And for someone else it's being able to say no without needing a full explanation.

Same word. Very different ways to live it.

Freedom is one of my top values. But I wouldn't have named it 20 years ago. It has come into focus over the last five to ten years.

For me, it means choice. How my day unfolds, how I schedule my priorities, how I show up. It also means finding within myself the things I used to look for outside of me. Freedom means not needing that external validation.

I couldn't have written that definition 20 years ago. It came out of a decade of personal growth.

That's why a definition from a book or a Google search won't get you there. What a value means is yours to say.

What your best days and hardest days are telling you

If you're not starting with a list, you start with your own life. Most of the time, it already knows.

Think of a time you felt really good. Not a time you accomplished something. Something ordinary.

An afternoon with a friend where you laughed so hard your stomach hurt.

A walk on your own, with nowhere to be and no one to be anything for.

Learning something new and feeling that little spark.

A conversation where you felt completely able to be yourself.

Those moments point somewhere. Maybe connection. Maybe freedom, or learning, or authenticity. Maybe time and space that belong only to you.

Now think about the other side. The moments you felt frustrated, disappointed or angry. They have something to say too.

Maybe you get frustrated when someone isn't honest with you. Maybe you feel resentful when your time keeps getting taken up by things you didn't choose. Maybe you feel a quiet disappointment when you realize you haven't made time for the people who matter most.

Those feelings aren't pleasant. But they're information. They show you what you care about by showing you what you're leaving out.

Three questions to sit with this week

Grab a pen, or open the notes app on your phone. What you write is for you. You don't have to share it with anyone.

First, think of a moment when you felt really good about how you were spending your time or living your life. What made it meaningful? What made you smile?

Second, what matters much more to you today than it did 10 or 20 years ago?

Third, what do you want to make more room for, because it matters to you?

You might have answers right away. You might need more time. One question might take you somewhere you didn't expect, and that's alright.

When you finish, read it back. Is anything there surprising? Or is there something you've known for a long time and just haven't paid attention to?

Then look at your calendar

Over the next week, notice the everyday moments. When you feel happy or content. When something excites you. And when you feel frustrated, annoyed or even angry. Jot them down.

Then open your calendar.

Maybe you noticed you love a slow Sunday afternoon. Maybe you realized you miss playing tennis. Did those show up on your calendar?

If they didn't, it's time to look again. You're in charge of your calendar. And for so many of us, if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't happen.

This isn't about quitting your job or selling your house. It's about asking whether the way you spend your time and energy reflects what matters to you now.

Make room for the things that matter. Then decide what you're going to say no to instead.

You get to figure it out as you go

You don't have to keep making decisions based on what mattered to you 20 years ago, or on what you thought was supposed to be important.

You get to figure it out as you go.

What would shift this month if your calendar looked a little more like the woman you are now?

If you'd like some company while you think about this, the Courageous Middle community is spending November together on values. We're sharing what we're learning and what's surprising us, and then we're taking action, because what matters to us in this season of life deserves our time and energy. You can join us here: The Courageous Middle Community

Reminder: you have always been courageous for everyone else; it's time to turn that courage inward.