Whose Voice is That? Beliefs you Never Chose in Midlife

I’m too old for that.

This week is just so full.

I should be happy with what I have.

Maybe one of those went through your head this week. So fast you didn’t even catch it.

You were loading the dishwasher, or answering an email, or sitting in the car. The thought showed up, and then it was gone. And somewhere in between, you accepted it as true.

Or maybe it was a Saturday morning, and you thought, “I would just love to have an hour to myself.” Before you’d even finished wanting it, another thought arrived right behind it. “Nope, no time. That would be selfish.”

Notice how fast that answer came? 

That speed is worth looking at, especially for women in midlife.

Why the Beliefs We Carry in Midlife Feel True

The speed of a thought doesn’t mean the answer is right. It just means we’ve had years of practice. 

A thought doesn’t have to be true for it to feel true. All it has to be is familiar. 

Hear it enough times, in enough places, and it starts to sound like your own voice. Hear it over and over, and it becomes a belief. And beliefs drive our behaviour and influence our choices.

Most of these thoughts arrived a long time ago, before we were old enough to question them. They came from our parents and extended family. From the media we grew up with, the workplaces we spent years inside, and the generation we were born into.

Sometimes someone sat us down and told us what a woman was supposed to do at a certain age, or what a woman was allowed to want. Mostly, we watched, listened, and took it all in.

Our parents gave us what they had. So did our workplaces. A lot of it came from love and good intentions.

But that doesn’t make those thoughts ours.

A Belief I Never Chose

Here’s one of mine.

I believed you started working for an organization, built a career there, and eventually retired there.

My dad started at Ontario Hydro when he was really young. He built his career there, and he retired from it. He never sat me down and said That’s what you do. I just observed it from him and from nearly everyone else I saw growing up.

So when I started working at Rogers, I wasn’t consciously thinking about that belief. It simply fed into the choices I made. I genuinely thought I needed to stay.

I stayed for twenty-five years. And it didn’t matter how unhappy I was, because I believed this was just what I was supposed to do. [Lisa’s words]

It wasn’t until my early 40s that I stopped and let myself wonder if this was really the life I wanted.

And that old belief popped right back up. This is what you do. You stay until you retire.

So I asked a question I’d never asked before. Whose voice is that?

At first, it was easy to think I’d heard it from my dad. But when I really thought about it, I hadn’t. That message came from the Freedom 55 financial planning commercials.

I took it on anyway.

Then I asked the next question. Is that true?

For some people, it was. It was certainly true for my dad’s generation. But was it true for me, today? No. It wasn’t. I looked around and saw people who had left the organization to try other things. And I couldn’t believe this was where I’d work for the rest of my life, because I wasn’t happy.

It was a belief I never chose, but I absorbed it. 

What thoughts and beliefs do you have that you never actually chose?

Four Questions for Questioning Your Beliefs

This is what curiosity started to look like for me. I paused. I gave the thought some space. And I asked whether it was even true.

When I’m curious, I’m not judging. I’m not defending. I’m simply letting myself wonder. 

Do you remember what that was like as a kid? When you let yourself wonder what might be possible, and followed where it led?

Honestly, curiosity can change your whole damn life. 

The next time you catch a thought, try one of these:

•          Whose voice is that?

•          Where did I learn that?

•          Is it true?

•          Is it true for me today?

You don’t have to take action in the moment. You’re just allowing yourself to wonder.

If you only have time for one, ask the last. Something may have been true for your parents, or your friends, or the company you worked for. What matters is whether it’s true for you today.

You also have permission to change what you believe. You can believe something yesterday and not believe it today. That isn’t inconsistency. That’s you growing.

Take the thought so many women carry: I should just be happy with what I have.

You could argue with that all day.

Or you could get curious about what in your life right now doesn’t feel like enough anymore.

That’s an entirely different thought. It doesn’t leave you believing you’re ungrateful. It opens a door.

Listening to the Whisper

Some thoughts are quieter. I call them whispers.

They show up at the end of a long day, or in the shower, or on a walk. “I miss being creative.” “There’s gotta be something else to life, right?”

A lot of us push them away. Maybe we’re not ready for them yet. Maybe they sound nothing like the life we’re living now. Or maybe we’re afraid of what it would mean if they were true.

But at first, it’s a whisper. It’s a thought. 

And you get to choose what happens next. You can let your imagination do its thing. You can imagine what would be possible if you brought that whisper to life.

Mine said I’d be out on my own before I was 50. I was a corporate girly, and I didn’t know a single entrepreneur. I couldn’t imagine where it came from, and I didn’t act on it right away. It took me years. But getting curious about it shaped my next decisions, and I was out on my own at 48.

Your One Thing This Week

Catch one thought.

The next time you hear yourself say, “I can’t,” or “I should,” or “That’s not for me,” stop for a second and get curious.

Whose voice is that?

Or simply, is that really true for me right now, today?

There’s such an incredible sense of freedom that comes from knowing who you are and knowing that you get to choose what’s next. [Lisa’s words]

It can start with one thought, caught.

If you’d like some company while you get curious

That’s what the Courageous Middle community is. A group of women coming together to get curious about our own lives, out loud, with other women going through some similar things.

You get to be heard. You get to be held. You get to be supported. And you get to laugh, because this thing we’re doing called life shouldn’t be serious all the time.

If you’re interested, the community is here: COMMUNITY LINK

Reminder: you have always been courageous for everyone else; it's time to turn that courage inward.